Mmm, Mmm Good

Man has been boiling meat and veggies for about 5,000 years now, but it wasn't until some Neolithic primitive had a brain fart and invented the spoon that we also learned to sup up the liquid with the boiled contents. A few thousand years and countless varieties of soup later, man gets the next step in the evolution of boiled cuisine — Bowling for Soup. These four crack-ups from Wichita Falls, Texas, would be pretty easy to pick on, what with their catchy harmonies, crackling guitars, and bratty punk-pop attitude. But they're just too damned cool to get mad at. Bowling for Soup is more interested in having fun than in some abstract notion of "indie cred" or getting nominated for a Grammy. Oh wait, they were nominated for a Grammy. Never mind. Still, some have mistakenly believed that the band's name is just a silly effort to elicit laughs from fans. But these guys are for real — honest-to-goodness soup experts. Frontman Jaret Reddick and guitarist Chris Burney recently revealed to Outtakes some of their ancient secrets, along with some of their favorite soups:

Reddick: Cream of mushroom. Because it's good with everything. It's neither soup nor cream, but you can put it on anything and it makes it better. I think you could put lifesavers in it and it'd still be good.

Burney: Wisconsin cheese. This is the best of all there is — Wisconsin cheese soup. Liquid cheese. Mmm... delicious.

Reddick: Chicken double noodle. Chicken noodle is the old standby. More importantly, double noodle. I mean, it's double noodle. It's edgy. It's delicious and one of those things you can eat when you're sick.

Burney: Tomato basil. It's a tasty combination of tomato and basil. It's a good, lasting marriage.

Burney: Tom kah gai. It's a lemongrass and coconut Thai soup. It's delicious. I mean, mega-delicious.

Reddick: Campbell's vegetable soup. It's funny because I don't like vegetables, but for some reason, that Campbell's vegetable soup is on, man. And sometimes, it even spells a word, which is good for a chuckle when you're having your lunch.

Burney: Sweet and sour. Any time you're sick or have a cold, eat some sweet and sour soup. It'll cheer you up much better than chicken noodle will.

Burney: Chicken tortilla. Always a winner. Liquid enchiladas, basically. It's a good one if you're in the mood for something spicy, to kick it up a notch.

Reddick: SpaghettiOs. I don't know if this qualifies as a soup, but I'm going with a can of SpaghettiOs. After all, it's canned like a soup. But that stuff's delicious, especially those little meatballs. I think they should just can those meatballs, to be honest. — Cole Haddon

Bowling for Soup performs Saturday, July 29, at the Culture Room, 3045 N. Federal Hwy., Fort Lauderdale. Doors open at 7:30 p.m. with Lucky Boys Confusion, Punchline, and Army of Freshmen. Tickets cost $12 to $15. Call 954-564-1074, or visit www.cultureroom.net.

Wonder Twins

From God's first celebrity couple, Adam and Eve, to proto-musical duo the Captain & Tennille, archetypal specimens of the genus two-piece have always held a certain level of allure. However, a few years ago, you'll recall, a creature called the White Stripes was discovered in the dank barroom habitats of Detroit — and the wildly improbable success of this actual, honest-to-God, two-person rock 'n' roll band spawned a mating frenzy and subsequent explosion of duet offspring with various mutations.

From a physical standpoint, the two-piece can survive on a minimal amount of resources. Compared to its full-scale peers, the duo thrives in a significantly smaller habitat and requires fewer assets toward shelter, beer, or sandwiches.

A two-piece can easily inhabit one hotel room, a conservation of monetary resources that allows for longer and more frequent tours. This, in turn, enables the organism to sow its two-piece seed across the land in ways that a four- or five-piece could not afford. And splitting the end-of-evening cash payout in halfsies, rather than foursies, provides greater motivation to follow their gig instinct — and therefore to continue to build their fan base.

There's something about mated pairs that keeps an audience in eager expectation of full-on intercourse. No matter if the pair are same-sex, siblings, spouses, or all of the above, we in the audience are kind of hoping for humping at some point. We know that you won't actually get it on in front of us, but the possibility that you may be thinking of getting it on is just enough raw biology to keep us fully engaged.

The genus two-piece includes several species. Below are some of the most popular of the current era, though evidence suggests variations could, theoretically, be infinite:

Two-piece muchosexualis — The Raveonettes, the Kills, Fame, Jucifer, Mates of State, Quasi, and married electronica duo Madison Park

Two-piece justfriendsicus — Giant Drag, the Dresden Dolls, I Want a Hovercraft

Two-piece sausage festali — Death from Above 1979, the Black Keys, Two Gallants, Om, Oppenheimer, Swearing at Motorists

Two-piece incesticus — Fiery Furnaces, prehistoric specimens the Carpenters, and, at one point, the White Stripes. But they were later controversially reclassified, much to the humiliation of musical scientists duped by previous research. But hey — it's rock 'n' roll, not rocket science. — Alie Ward